Friday, August 19, 2005


I wonder what my academic record looks like. Imagine a school record combined with secret gov’t files. Do you ever wonder that, if such a thing does exist, what would be in your file? A kind of emotionless breakdown of your life to date.

January 29th, 1981: girlchild born – fluff of white hair, very pink. Seems troublesome yet insecure.

The Public School Years

5 yrs old: kindergarten – seems to like school. Loves books and pizza day.

Grade 1: can’t see the blackboard, needs glasses.

Grade 2: has decided she wants to be a writer. Is slightly awkward.

Grades 3-7: has learned to be wary of the other children. Involved in clique disputes with other girls and subject of ridicule from boys. Possible nervous stomach condition. Tries her first cigarette in grade 5 and Amaretto in Grade 6. Possible badass.

Grade 8: dyes hair red, gets contacts, boy asks her out. They never kiss. Not a badass, just wants to be cool.

High School

Grade 9: obviously terrified. Takes first offer of relationship. He seems slow.

Grade 10: starts experimenting with wild hair colours and thrift store clothing. Discovers pot. Is in school musical.

Grade 11: new boyfriend, may be stalker. Again with the musical.

Grade 12: new boyfriend (relationship whore?). Gets more involved in school. Likes to party. Loves taco Tuesdays.

OAC: bored with school by now. Takes many spares.


1st year: hides in room for first semester. Breaks up with high school boyfriend meets new boy. Slight overlap. Rediscovers pot. Discovers spumante bambino. Also attends classes.

2nd year: gets house of campus, odd French landlord who sleeps on her couch. Second semester she moves in with girlfriends. Goes on paxil. Attends classes less frequently, tries part-time job at retirement home. Lasts 6 weeks.

3rd year: lives downtown (Guelph) with girlfriends. Partying tapering off, as are classes. Mostly watches days of our lives. Withdraws from school after first semester.

Whereabouts unknown.

---end file---

Ah well poodles, I may just reopen that file someday. But it will have nothing to do with the school experience. I’d want big classrooms where I’m just a number and no one will call on me and correspondence courses I can take online. I’d honestly just get my degree just so I don’t have to hear one more freakin person tell me I should. So far I haven’t missed out on anything because I didn’t finish. And with the bursaries and scholarships and not finishing that last year of school – my student loans will be paid off by the end of the year. Boo ya.

Ian for Pope!

No comments: