prose before hoes

How can I keep going to this place? Am I really such a beast? So ruled by hormones and chemicals? Such a fine machine, the human body. An impulse, a spark and the system reels. How can you recover from it. There is no starting over, try again. Sorry better luck next time. How about a rematch? I’ll choose my weapons more wisely this time. Promise. Promise I will do better. Try harder, be tougher. Tough skin, tough shell. Hard hard hard. No breaking me down. I probably won’t even notice you, buzzing around. So insignificant you will try to bite and I won’t even flinch. In the meantime, the wind from your tiny wings is ripping my skin. Too delicate for words. The weakest. Just a small imbalance and then chaos. So poorly designed. Whose idea was this anyway.

pupil peril

I took a picture of my eyes last night and compared them to one from last week. Creepy.

And last night I had a dream that I bought a mini-turtle from the dollar store to have as a pet and my eldest sister came along and told me it wasn't a turtle but a GIANT TICK. Creepy.

medicated

After much debate and procrastinating I have taken the plunge and decided to get medicated for anxiety. Now I���ve been putting it off because for the last year I was dealing with cancer troubles and really who wouldn���t be anxious? So it turns out my doc is a ���firm believer��� in medicating for this sort of thing. I nearly melted into a puddle of relief when I heard that. I was seriously dreading asking her for meds. After she disapproved of me not getting radiation I���ve been a little wary.

Anyway today I picked up my Cipralex and popped one back. About four hours later I started yawning crazily and feeling a little funny. Huh. I thought to myself ���why am I having flashbacks of high school?���. Then I picked up my compact and took a look. My pupils were HUGE. This is when I realized that I felt exactly as you do right when your magic mushrooms start kicking in. Usually it would be when you get all excited and realize that it���s going to work and you���re in for a fun night ��� when you���re in high school (and maybe University a few times). But not, I repeat NOT when you are sitting at your desk in your office and trying to get some shit done for a client.

Luckily it wore off after an hour without escalating (although Jeremy says my pupils are still bigger than normal). Suffice to say it was an interesting day and I told my co-workers to be on the lookout for the rest of the two week adjustment period for any crazy behaviour. I���ll just cross my fingers and hope for normalcy (and maybe be a little secretly excited to have a crazy trip). Hey if you can���t be honest with yourself...

First

It takes just the hint of an old affliction to make one realize how far they've come. My stomach was honestly torturing me today because I need to find an apartment, FAST, but am being a scared wiener about it. And I remembered, with such startling clarity how common such a sensation used to be. How could I have forgotten something that used to seem like a defining part of me. Well I suppose that's the good thing about bad habits, they really can fade away in time. I'm beginning to lose my focus here..........My point is this, in the very first entry of my very first blog, i've come a long way. Soon I'll be free, I'm living and working in a city I have always wanted to belong to and I did it all by myself.

And now my victory dance begins.