guess guess guess *answered

Who knows what this is?


*This is a penis cupcake that someone gave me on Friday. It was delicious.





How bout this?



*Yes Janine you were right, this is Settlers of Catan - the best game ever.

careful your german is showing

And not in a bad way. First of all I have recently discovered that I have German heritage on both sides of my family tree (recall this small mention). I always knew I was German and English but turns out there is MORE German and even some Irish! And you know I have never even gone out for drinks on St. Patrick’s Day? Who knew I was shaming my heritage. Tsk tsk. But I digress. Last night while flipping between competition shows like Canada’s Next Top Model and So You Think You Can Dance, I came across America’s Got Talent. Wow. Love. It. A modern day gong show (which I adored when I was a kid) that has it all – including David Hasselhoff! Must be the German in me but I just heart seeing him these days. I realize I’ve mentioned him a few times already. I never liked him while Baywatch was on and I missed the whole Knight Rider thing but now when I see him, I usually like it. Oh who’s kidding who – I always like it. He was pretty funny in Click too. I don’t know what it is but you can tell the guy has sense of humour about himself. Like Adam West. Love it.

pic from love the hoff, which I added to my links section.

clara is mean

Jeremy’s rotten sister Hayley, as seen here and below, sent me some lovely pictures of Jeremy from a few years ago. More specifically from the time betwixt our two relationships – the one that ended, and the one that hasn’t. Yet. Well I’m not psychic am I? Well not much anyway. Moving on, if you examine the picture you can see the boyish charm that captured my attention in the first place (sans facial hair). You can also see the beginning of the chin covering that you all know and love. Speaking of knowing and loving, this I the face of a manboy who has seen the light that is Clara, and had it cruelly torn away. By me. What a bitch. Luckily everything worked out for the best and I feel this somehow crosses out the slight I dealt many years ago, by calling Jeremy hours before his birthday to end it. As his birthday draws near again I can assure you dear that I didn’t do it last year so you’re probably safe again. I probably wouldn’t do it twice anyway. At least not on your birthday. I feel that everything working out also cancels out the overlap that occurred when Jeremy and I first met, and I was otherwise technically occupied in the relationship sense. Heh. My bad. Well look at that face - damn near irresistible.

Who can blame me? No, don't answer that.

horror flicks of the 80's

I was watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy last night and they made over Michael Bacon (Kevin’s brother!). I have never seen the Fab Five so silent when someone talked as they were when they were in Kevin Bacon’s presence. What fun! Anyway the reason I’m mentioning it is because Carson made a really obscure b horror movie reference, which of course I got. Anyone remember Chopping Mall? Oh I do baby. How about:

Spasms?
Microwave Massacre?
Sleepaway Camp?
Killer Klowns From Outer Space?
Hello Mary Lou – Prom Night II?

All wonderful wonderful movies.

Now there are other horror movies that are just awful/wonderful but these were all watched by me in the same time period and have mentally fused together into a myriad of dreadfully acted gorefests. A golden age of B movies the likes of which I have never seen again. If anyone has a recommendation I would be happy to get it.

jeremy + loki

= Love at first sight...




...Oh baby I wanna ride you.

argle

Some chick in my reception area just referred to me as 'the lady'. Are you freaking kidding me? Must. Control. Fist. Of. Death.

That's almost as bad a ma'am.

...and while walking home TWO different people threw garbage right over thier shoulder and hit me. Honestly.

Ok I'm not posting again until I can find something positive or at least funny to write about. Seriously.

nobody knows the troubles i've seen...

Well now that I’ve calmed down a little I think I’ll explain hypoparathyroidism in greater detail. I want to be a good source of information in case any other unlucky soul is googling this and comes across the victory dance. We don’t just want to leave them rants to find. Ok. Hypoparathyroidism simply put is - having too little parathyroid hormone, which causes abnormal blood levels of calcium and phosphorus. Calcium and phosphorus are important body minerals. They form the mineral component of bones, and they exist as charged particles called ions in the blood and inside cells.Parathyroid hormone (PTH) regulates the amount of calcium and phosphorus in bone and blood. PTH is made by four small parathyroid glands located in the neck, behind the thyroid gland. Hypoparathyroidism is the disease caused by a lack of PTH. Blood calcium levels fall, and phosphorus levels rise. Low blood calcium levels may cause symptoms such as tingling in the lips, fingers, and toes. It may also cause muscle cramps or spasms (source - Medlineplus). I found this section from The Complete Thyroid Book a pretty helpful analogy:

“A reasonable analogy is to imagine the normal calcium level as the level of
water in bathtub. Since there is no PTH, the bathtub drain is wide open, as the
kidneys permit unrestrained calcium losses though the urine. By the taking
vitamin D analogs and calcium tablets, the ‘faucet’ is kept wide open as well,
keeping the ionized calcium level normal, just as the running faucet would keep
the water level normal in the bathtub in spite of the open drain.”

So there you go. My fun night didn’t end there though. I got to spend the night sobbing and waiting for the locksmith and police. Upon returning home from my super news at the doctors I discovered that someone had tried to break into my apartment. I don’t think they actually went into the apartment, who knows. But the lock was totally broken and everything was right where is should be. It cost a pretty nice chunk of change though and that sucks. Especially since I’m in the much-coveted position of being back at work so I have no EI benefits, but I won’t be paid for 2 more weeks. Man I feel like Eeyore. Sigh. Oh and as the locksmith was leaving he turned and remarked 'man so I guess you guys don't have air conditioning eh?'. No. No we don't. Thanks for noticing.

why I need to buy a lottery ticket

I’m hitting all the long shots.

Thyroid Nodules - 75 % of the population have thyroid nodules. Okay that’s a majority I can deal with that. No biggie.

Thyroid Cancer - Far less than 1% of all thyroid nodules are malignant. Huh. Well that’s fairly rare wouldn’t you say? So me being in this group of lucky sods means that I need a thyroid operation. Ok moving on…

Hypoparathyroidism - Much less than 1% of thyroid operations (result in permanent damage to the parathyroid). FUCKING EH. Suckit.


Source - endocrineweb.com

the most tolerant dog in the universe

Astro dog. Well that’s not really his name. This is Edgrr, remember? Well the first time we harassed this dog it was to give him an islands feel, and the dude kept his lei on all night. This time, and I can’t remember exactly how this came about; he was given hoops and became a space dog. All I know is that Jeremy said ‘look he’s a Jetsons dog’ and I turned around to see this pooch all decked out. He wore it around for a while, after we took our pics he just went and curled up in his little bed for a nap. So cute. I did take pity on him and take it off before he went outside. That’s about when Jeremy started trying to put them on ME and I nearly killed him. I know I say that a lot and it’s true, but as his mother says – ‘God made Jeremy funny so no one would kill him’. Amen sister.

overheard

Vapid Office Girl: Wow I’ve been seeing posters for the pink panther movie forever and now it’s straight to video. It’s funny, they hyped it so much.

Other girl: I’m pretty sure it was in the theatres.

Vapid Office Girl: I don’t think so. And what really bugs me is that they have the pink panther talk in the movie and in the cartoons he didn’t talk. And then they put some guy in front of him on the poster. Really bugs me.

Other girl: Silence.

Vapid Office Girl: Yeah we should tear all these posters down.

Other girl: What?

Okay I just had to submit this to Overheardintheoffice.com, even though it took place on the subway. They were headed for the office you could tell. I really wanted to turn to the girl and tell her about Inspector Clouseau and the original jewel. Honestly.

thumper, we hardly knew ye

Last Monday Jeremy had to have his number one girl put down. As you can see this wasn’t me. This was Thumper - a pretty, bitchy cocker spaniel whom Jeremy loved to distraction. In old home movies you can tell when Jeremy is filming because as soon as Thump is in sight that’s all you’re going to get footage of. Jer loves to tell me that when Thumper was a puppy and would cry at night he take her to bed and rock her to sleep, singing songs while she chewed on his ear. I had to call him just now to get the details of that story straight and you should have heard his voice change when he started retelling the story. It softened and fair lilted it did. Ah poor Jeremy. No worries thought, I have it on good authority that she came to a peaceful end. We should all be so lucky.

You know what this means don’t you? Now I’M his number one girl. Finally.

no autographs please

I still want to live a normal life. What am I talking about? Check out blogTO, they profiled me. Well my blog anyway. Wahoo! Finally recognition. So when do I get my cheque?

Huh?

what do you mean narcissistic?

Since none of you commented over at ‘clara* is special’ I will assume that you missed this picture. Jeremy thinks this means I have issues. I think it just means I have some time on my hands. And before you ask - no I did not make this at work. I did it at home. Instead of the dishes.

by order of the ice queen

Yay! A word game! If you want to play let the the ice queen know and she'll assign you a letter. Then you write about 10 words that start with that letter that are important to you and explain why. I was given the letter f.


Freedom – I picked an angel card on one of my first visits to Guelph, where I would later go to university and meet Jeremy. It said ‘freedom’ was my word to remember for the rest of my life. Funny I picked freeclara for my blogger domain. Hmm.

Free verse – my favourite way to write poetry I have 40 million half filled notebooks of this stuff. Some is gold, some pure teen angst. It makes me cringe and laugh to read it now.

Fish n’ chips – my favourite thing to get in a pub. With a pint. Perfection.

Fairy – I have believed in these since I was little. I think I saw one once behind the barn at my parents farm. Also I live in the village (almost) now and I love the gays. Like Kathy Griffin and Karen Walker love 'em.

For fucksakes – the curse I picked up from my father, most commonly used when having injured yourself. The most vehement one of these I remember is the time he hit himself in the forehead with a crowbar. Oh dadoo.

Flesh Mage – this is as far as I got in Drakkan: The Ancients Gates for PS2. I love my PS2. Flesh Mage….he wore people’s skin. Like that guy in silence of the lambs. I should really finish that game. I can’t really let the Flesh Mage win. All those innocent maidens….

Fiction – I am a reader. It has been the single most constant thing in my life besides my family and breathing. I mostly read fiction – fantasy (hey another f word), sci-fi and romance and if a book has all three I LOVE it.

Fandom – I am a fan. I love being a fan of things. To quote myself “I lurve them. I want to take every t-shirt, lunch box, plush figure, action figure, wall scroll whatever and roll around naked in them.....ah.....ooohh.....”

Ferengi – because at the very first Toronto Trek I attended with Jeremy (well the first I attended, period) I met Armin Shimmerman (who played Quark on Deep Space 9). It was my first autograph too.

Fraulien – in honour of my German heritage. And German brother in-law and his family. And my niece who is the first of their family to be born in Canada. Guten Tag!

jeremy is special

With minimal supervision Jeremy managed to make a fruit basket out of a watermelon. Yes I did have to draw on the cut lines but they were dismissed as‘shoddy’and supposedly ignored. Though I doubt he could have managed without them. It was quite a production, with lot’s of sighing and ‘big job lady’ coming from Jeremy. In the end he mastered the melon baler and even felt confident enough to threaten me with it if I didn’t stop taking pictures. C’mon, I was just sitting back, relaxing, having a glass of wine and making a few cracks at your expense. What’s the harm in that? Ah well. In the end I wasn’t the one who ended up with melon on her face. Hayley was an innocent victim of Jeremy’s fruit rage. It wasn’t pretty; those melon balls are more dangerous than they look. Pits, juice, even *gasp* rind! Such things seem innocent but when aimed with deadly accuracy and a demented wit they can ruin lives! Well white sweaters anyway. Where’s a tide to go pen when you need one?

Anyway in the end it was delicious. And decorative. Take that Martha.

go figure

I got a new dress at the second hand shop and I am getting TONS of compliments on it today. I don’t have the heart to tell them that it’s a maternity dress. Plus then I would inevitably be asked if I was pregnant and that is never something you want to hear when you are not pregnant and in fact 20 pounds overweight. So I’m sparing all of us some embarrassment.

Speaking of embarrassment… I am submitting a little ‘welcome back clara’ thing for the company newsletter and I wanted to include a pic of me with my rad new scar. So I brought my camera today and have been waiting ALL MORNING for the reception area to be empty so I can snap a quick pic without looking like an egomaniac. So finally the moment of emptiness arrives and I take it. Two seconds later someone’s head pops around the corner and asks ‘oh you taking pictures? Of yourself? Let’s see’.

Sigh.

famous...for eating. who's really that surprised?

Jeremy’s just shared some exciting news! We are pizza trendsetters. If you go to the Pizzaville on Yonge just north of Wellesley you can get a new kind of slice. Provolone, pepperoni and gourmet garlic. It’s a heretofore unavailable concoction created by Jeremy and I. We get it so often that the last time we ordered it they made two, and sold the second in slices. They went like hotcakes! Or something else that would probably sell better than hotcakes these days. I want to get them to call it the ‘claremy’ so go in there and ask for it by name. The village is soon to have the worst breath in all of downtown! I mean this thing is LOADED with garlic. I firmly believe that that’s why I haven’t gotten a cold n forever though. Healthy and stinky. That can be the slogan for the claremy. It’s delicious seriously go get some. Pizza. Pervs.

Oooh I fixed up my other blog - clara* is special. Check it out, it's secondary yet still dear to me. Like Jeremy.

the kind of old man you want to put in your pocket and take home

Jeremy and I were walking down Yonge St and I saw the cutest little old man. He was just strolling along window shopping. He had on a Hawaiian shirt, purple velour blazer and captain’s hat jauntily angled. ADORABLE! I turned to Jeremy and said ‘ that’s the kind of old man I hope you turn out to be’. Or maybe I said ‘that's the kind of old man you'd better turn out to be’. Either one. What fun. He’ll need to be to match me with my ENORMOUS yellow sun hat that I won’t go anywhere without once I’m an old lady. And I’ll cuss like a sailor then cackle outrageously.

In fact I do that now. Huh.

The Da Vinci Gala - A Celebration of Thyroid Cancer Treatment and Research

Why do I get the feeling that this is the next trendy cancer? Well I have always been something of a trendsetter. If I had $750 lying around I would totally go to this and flaunt my scar while I still have one. Sigh, it gets smaller every day...

Boo.

viewer discretion advised

Jeremy got his wisdom tooth pulled on Monday. Poor wee thing. He brought my camera to the dentist so he could share it with you all. Lucky things. I accidentally brushed up against his cheek and sent him scurrying into a corner, cowering in fear lest I ‘beat him’ again. Honestly. If he didn’t take out the garbage like clockwork….

Don’t worry about him tho, he’s back up and playing Warcraft at all hours. We may even get solid food tonight! Special.

one more year

It’s Jeremy and my anniversary, again. Two years of (questionable) bliss.

The first time Jeremy is mentioned in this blog it is regarding my apartment hunt, in my second post ever – “But I will be reconnecting with an old dear friend soon who has the know about Toronto, so maybe he can give me some pointers.” After that I’ve tried to pinpoint the moment when we merged into couplehood but I really can’t. Feel free to meander through the claronicles and try to find it yourself. Maybe it’ll take an outside party reading between the lines to ferret out that elusive moment of transition.

As far as I’m concerned I met Jeremy 15 years ago and the next day we were married with 4 kids, a dog and a mortgage. Well that’s what it seems like anyway and I’m sure he would agree. We both think it feels much longer than two years together. Take that how you will.

All right, all right. For all my kidding around I love the boy. Even when he leaves his jeans in the middle of the living room floor. But that's cutting it pretty close!

first day back

Man I am nervous! I’m scared of losing my voice halfway through the day…I already feel weak in that area. Ah well. I’m sure this box of chocolates has medicinal purposes.

not just another pretty face

The boy can cook! Liver and onions! The potatoes were pre-cooked but still...delish. And mead! Lavish. Good boy.

I should mention that this (unintentionally) celebrated Jeremy and I officially living together. Yes he's paid me rent money and he has no other place to escape to. Say it with liver people. I mean you people use liver as you would say, flowers. Not people made out of liver. That could get messy. What if they ran into a pack of wild dogs? How would they even say anything if they were truly 100% liver? No no let's not get silly.

Although I bet they would be able to drink us all under the table.

Happy Birthday Dadoo! This magnificent portrait is the work of my previously celebrated genius niece. So happy 51st, even though you frequently act 7.

You know it’s true. Mum will back me up on that.