he thinks he’s people!

Gotta love MS Paint. Oh yeah baby.

battle systems go!

This weekend was BRUTAL. Women are insane. The women’s show is all about the free samples and when the samples are chocolate – someone could lose an arm. Jeremy was in fear for his life several times; he didn’t want to leave the safety of the booth. I had quite a shock when I arrived there the first day. As soon as I had gotten myself settled in the booth I looked up and my words died in my throat. Directly across from us was my arch nemesis – Mr. Peanut! Gasp! How did he find me? Was this mere coincidence? Hardly. That cunning bastard knows where I live and would stop at nothing to ruin me! Damn him! Regardless of his roots in my family history he is no friend of mine. Indeed one day it will all come down to some sort of ultimate showdown between him and me. I can feel it in my bones. I’m sure he feels the same thing in his shell. Or nuts. Whatever.

Anyway the show gave Jer and I a chance to stock up on chocolate (we were running dangerously low), so we’re happy campers. Unfortunately there was none of Jeremy’s favourite chocolate – Kringles. In fact my mother confessed that she may have lost the recipe. Jeremy was horrified at the thought of never having them again. He told me “they are hands down the best thing your family has ever made…..and that includes you”

Thanks sweetie.

Well I have my chocolate covered licorice and maraschino cherries so I’m happy. And isn’t that what really matters?

clara moe D

The other day Jeremy and I were watching a show and they were discussing how most women wore the wrong size bra.

“Man I need to figure out my actual bra size. I know I’m wearing the wrong one.”

He looks at the girls. “Yeah you’re always popping out of that thing”

Gee thanks. Anyway Jeremy decided this was his new personal mission so he comes in a few minutes later with a tape measure. The metal kind you use around the house. He’d found a online calculation tool and wanted to enter my measurements. Now the metal tape doesn’t exactly lie flat against the skin, especially curvy mammary type skin. And damn it’s cold! Eventually I did get a proper measuring tape (from Chapter’s, it’s shaped like a monkey! Eee eee ooo!), and I found out that I am NOT the B cup I thought I was. I’m actually in between to cups so I ordered two bras of each from La Senza. Guess which one fits me the best?

The D!

Yes after years of wishing and wearing A cups I finally realized my girlhood dream of having bazongas. Luckily I’m one of those people who puts on weight in the boobs, belly and ass, so I can get away with saying ‘voluptuous’, not ‘fat’. Now my bra proves it’s true! I’ve been going around and saying (in falsetto) I’m a Double D! And Jeremy just looks at me sadly and says quietly: ‘No sweetie you’re a D. Singular.'

I keep mixing them up. Oopsie.

I recommend all of you ladies measure yourselves and try it out. I can’t believe the difference! I’m so comfortable and Betty & Veronica have never looked better!

You can get your boobs measured by a pro this weekend at the National Women’s Show here in Toronto. Plus I’ll be there! Yes Jeremy and I will be hawking chocolates for the family business this weekend. If you stop by you can have a free chocolate, but make a big fuss and ask Jeremy for an autograph. Hopefully that will get a crowd going and boost sales. People will think he’s from a new gay soap opera and the ladies will love it and go into a chocolate buying frenzy! Hopefully. Plus it will make him wildly uncomfortable. Ha!

my fickle heart. and loins.

I recently saw The Prestige and hence went on a renewed love/lust for Christian Bale binge. These 'object of my affection' sprees usually consist of amassing many pictures to rotate on my desktop and searching for paraphernalia on ebay. I have a strong fan mentality within me, as I’ve mentioned before.


Well something happened. Something powerful indeed to take Christian’s spot on my desktop a mere week after basking in his glory via The Prestige. I got a package in the mail. It was my Lego Boba Fett keychain I am now wallowing in Boba, n all his Fettness. If you’ll direct your attention to the right you will see a new link, my backpacks got jets. Click it and turn your speaker up for the most awesome thing ever. Now I can’t get this song out of my head. Good. My goal of the week is to memorize it, so far I have the chorus down pat.

I heart him. He’s mysterious and lethal, yet morally just (in his own way). Sigh.

Plus check out that codpiece.

Oh my.

this john's not big enough for the both of us

I didn’t realize how much Jeremy’s new job was going to effect me personally. Namely in respect to the bathroom in the morning. I have to share now. Usually he’d be long gone by the time I started my ablutions; now he’s RIGHT THERE. Shaving and picking and scratching. Very distracting. It was sort of cute though, us bustling along getting ready for the workday. We did end up ready and on time, as you can see, and only slightly annoyed with each other. Oh well, by 5 o’clock we’ll have forgotten all about it.

Until tomorrow morning anyway. Heh.

big bundle of joy

Jeremy got lots of presents on his last day yesterday. Someone even got him hemorrhoid cream, because he’ll be sitting on his ass all day now. So thoughtful. Anyhoo I had planned awhile ago that on Friday night I would trek up to Yonge & Eg to pickup one of his Christmas gifts, as it was too big to get in the apartment unnoticed and that would be the last night he would be working late for some time. About 5 minutes to 5 I impatiently decided that I would make it a ‘happy last day’ present and give it to him when he got home. There are some things that just can’t wait in the closet until Christmas.

So I headed up to Toys R Us with Margaret (she thought it humorous that only for Jeremy would it not seem odd to go to a toy store to get his present). I knew exactly what I needed, as Jeremy himself had gone nuts over it months ago. It’s a big stuffed bear. I mean BIG. When I got there the only one left was a display bear, strung up into an action position. After a few minutes of playing with the other toys in Animal Alley, Margaret and I tried to get someone to help us. The first cashier looked at us and then up at the bear and called for some guy, who said he couldn’t. Eventually someone did come over and the ordeal began. This was a well strung up bear. After several ladder adjustments, three employees managed to get the bear down and begin the delicate process of unraveling him from his snares. I apologized for wrecking the display but was told ‘oh it’s okay we have more in the back, we’ll just put another one up’. Margaret looked at me then at her and asked ‘why didn’t you just get one from the back?’. She looked up like she was going to say something, then just handed me the bear. ‘Hey it’s not like I needed that particular bear (though he has scar-like marks across his neck from being hung up and I feel I kinship with him for that). I hated to be a bother and I felt bad, but not that bad because (and here’s a tip for anyone in customer service who takes it even a little seriously, the rest of you please quit you are making people miserable) – when a customer says, repeatedly, ‘I’m sooo sorry I don’t want to be a bother’ the appropriate response is ‘it’s no trouble’ or ‘no problem’. Not silence.

Between the guy who cashed me out (and got the last strings down on the bear) and the girl in Customer Service I felt well taken care of. Thank you very much. And I do not blame the other girl for stopping half way through this laborious process and turning to me to ask ‘you’re going to buy it right? You don’t just want to see it?’. Indeed it was only fair to ask and I know how annoying customers can be. Believe me.

The subway ride home was great. I felt like a celebrity. Everyone, young and old, gazed upon me with envy. They were probably wondering what lucky kid was getting that bear. I was hoping someone would ask me so I could tell them it was for a 25 year old manboy. I imagined then the look of horror on their face as they remembered that girl from high school (everyone knew one) who bought some boy a froofy teddy bear on valentine’s day and put it in his locker or on his desk, embarrassing them both. I imagined them thinking ‘dear god this poor guy’. Then I decided it was best no one asked me. They just wouldn’t understand Jeremy’s specialness.

So I get the bear home, welcoming him and introducing him to the other stuffed animals (hey if they do come alive when I’m not around I want to be on good terms with them. Have you never seen puppet master?). I carefully made the bed and decorated him with ‘goodbye starbucks’ stickers that I made. Then I tucked him under the covers and left him as a conspicuous lump. Now I had to wait two hours for Jeremy to get home. I could barely contain myself.

When he did arrive it was all I could do to sit there quietly while he told me about his day and showed me his presents. Eventually I knew he’d go into the bedroom and there was no missing that lump. The moment comes. I mute the TV and listen for his exclamation. I wait. And wait. And wait. He comes back in. Continuing his story he walks in and out of the bedroom several times. Finally he says ‘do I want to know what’s under the covers?’

Gasp! ‘What’s wrong with you?!? You go in there and there’s a big lump under the blanket and you don’t look?’

‘I thought you’d piled all the dirty laundry under there. It seems like something you would do.’

What? It does?

Suffice to say this motivates him to investigate further. This time I hear a high-pitched
‘Tee hee’. I go in to find this -



I think he likes it.


He was giggling and saying he didn’t need Clara anymore. You see I’ve often told Jeremy that he just views me as a living hot water bottle to help him sleep. Now that he has a stuffed animal big enough to spoon I’ve proved my point. Sigh. I asked him what he was going to name it. He looked at me like I was simple and with an implied ‘duh’ he said ‘Big Bear’. Of course.

Now I didn’t really think about the logistics of having such a huge bear in such a tiny apartment but I did put forth the option that at night he could lay across the foot of the bed at night. Like Brian in Family Guy. Jeremy did not like this and when it came time to retire for the night it was with Big Bear between us. I brought up an old argument.

‘You always complain that you never have enough room as it is –‘

‘Yes but it’s better than having your knees in my back’

Touché jerkface.

Touché.

Big Bear with Scrapper and Brown Bear

Goodbye Starbucks Decals

The morning after - I was told I was 'obsolete'.

freedom!

It’s Jeremy’s last day as a barista.

Yay! How exciting!

the cat came back, the very next day

Sadly in this case, the cat was never seen again. This is Hetalacus (mispellingly named for Bruce Campbell’s character Autolycus from Xena). Hetalacus was the last of a long line of family cats, spanning over 25 years. Unfortunately as dogs and other cats intruded Hetalacus felt the call of the wild. Unable to resist, she returned to the wilderness and now rules a pack of feral cats. At least that’s what I like to think happened. In reality we will never know. She may have in fact been eaten by coyotes, or could be living with some nice family somewhere.

She was a good cat, though needy. Or shall I say 'kneady'? She was none to gentle about her ministrations, as you can tell from Jeremy’s picture with her.



It’s been some time since she disappeared for good. She started disappearing overnight, and then we wouldn’t see her for two days. Then a month had gone by and we realized we hadn’t seen the cat lately. She always came back though. We’ve pretty much accepted that that’s not going to happen this time. Maybe she knew, and was preparing us. That’s why she stayed away for increasing amounts of time. That does seem a bit too clever for one of Hetalacus’, shall we say ‘mental limitations’. Nonetheless, you shall be missed my dear – you join the ranks of other mysteriously vanished cats over the years, such as Lady Brenna. I hope you are a loyal pack, ruthlessly harassing the coyote population in the area.

thick enough for a cow to stand in

Jer and I had a little adventure last night as we headed out to din to meet the in-laws. The first bit was planned, well by Jeremy anyway. He loves discovering little city secrets and had to share this one with me. Cows! Right downtown in the financial district! If you’ll remember we had a similar experience with some elephants awhile back. What fun! We didn’t actually get on any of the cows, much to Jeremy’s regret. It was dark though and we had a bit of a time getting a good picture. Hence the crazy night mode shots.



Shortly thereafter we were accosted by a man from Guyana looking for a dollar. Never in my life have a truly wished I had a dollar to give someone. What a nice man. He stopped us by hailing Jeremy ‘hey John Travolta!’, which got our attention (mostly Jeremy’s). After he found out we had no change he took both of our hands in his and gave us a sort of ‘blessing’ I suppose.

To me ‘ You like this man?’
‘Yeah.’
To Jeremy ‘You got to get this girl pregnant’
Much laughter ensued.
‘You get this girl pregnant and don’t be going on no Maury Povich denying your babies’
Jeremy loved this, as he is secretly addicted to the Maury Povich paternity shows.
To me ‘You got to make this man thick thick soup okay?’
‘Alright….’
‘It will make his sperm very very strong’
‘Wow' Awkward pause. 'Um, that's......okay then.''

This went on for some time but you get the idea. Very nice man. A little off perhaps but who isn’t really?

we’re like this

Who knew Smithers and I had so much in common? I’d never seen last night’s Simpson’s before. In Midnight Rx we learn that Smithers has a thyroid problem and has to take Thyroxin! ME TOO! Although mine isn’t a thyroid problem so much as a thyroid lack but still, we take the same drugs.

Plus deep down I’m a gay man. Gayer than Christmas.



Please excuse the out of focus photo; this was me taking a picture of my TV screen. Heh.

qué?

Jeremy does not like to talk about things. I am one of the horrible girlfriends who will ask things out of the blue like – what’s your favourite thing about me? Evil I know. Anyway last night I’m feeling stressy and crummy and I want to discuss things. When this happens Jeremy will be affectionate and playful, trying to distract me and change the subject. This drives me crazy. And not in the good way.

So last evening was spent by me grumbling, him playing and distracting me for brief periods of time. I kept at him until I got some words out of him. I was so pleased I told him how much better I felt when we communicated. He started laughing and said that it in his recent job interview when they asked him how his communication skills were he laughed and said ‘ Well my girlfriend thinks they’re awful. Hahahaha. Professionally though they’re good.’

Gasp! I was appalled. I told him I couldn’t believe he said that.

His reply? ‘Hey I got the job didn’t I?'

Touché jerkface. Touché

what the eff?

It was luverly when I left for work this morning. It’s fucking snowing! Like hardcore blowing snow!

I have bare legs!

I wore Birkenstocks to work!

Damn it.

splish splash

You know how when you do stupid things they seem to happen in slow motion? I had one of those today. It’s raining heavily and I’m walking, jauntily, to work with my gently beat up leather jacket and cherry covered umbrella. Tra la tra la. Cars are zooming by and a truck comes barrelling past me, kicking up a puddle of mass destruction. I was fine. I was too far back to get hit but I knew that that puddle could be trouble. I had stopped walking when the truck came by so I started off again, jauntily (I love rainy days). I was nearly parallel to the puddle when I looked up and saw a large, sinister van speeding towards me. I looked at it, then at the muddy puddle, then down to my own feet walking towards the other two. Comprehension slowly dawned. I looked back up - the van was closer, I looked over – the puddle was muddier up close, I looked down – my feet were still moving. By now I was thinking ‘I should just stop and wait for it to go by, or I could just run up and get past it before-‘

Too late.

Luckily it was raining so hard by the time I got to work that the splashed area was uniformly assimilated into the total soakedness of the rest of my pants. Silver linings and all that.

turkey, chili and wedding cake

What a great Thanksgiving! Food, fun, family and only a little bit of fighting. First up, Connie and Dave’s nuptials. Unfortunately we missed the ceremony due to a \n emergency room detour, just a quick stop but enough to make attendance impossible, though we did go to the reception the next day. Talk about a tearjerker! It was intimate, emotional and elegant. Wonderful. Not for my eye makeup but lovely just the same.

Next stop, Niagara Falls and fun on the family farm. The place looked beautiful! Fall really agrees with the ol’ homestead. We had our annual chilli cookout back in the Bush. I think I ate 6 chilli dogs this weekend and I forgot my toothbrush at home. Heh. I’m sure that was fun for everyone else. I got some quality playtime in with the niece and nephew, which included tying numerous stuffed animals to the willow tree and propelling them about, and a delicious and fragrant lamb’s ear salad. Mmmm! Delish!

Last night rounded off the weekend with a traditional dinner at the in-laws. And by traditional I mean traditional for them. We played headbands and fondly harassed each other over heaping plates of turkey and potatoes. Yummy!

One thing was odd though, and I didn’t realize it until I was preparing this post…..I took NO pictures of Jeremy this whole weekend. I think that’s a record. I’ll have to take a bunch tonight, maybe when I get home and he’s having a nap. Or is that too rude? Creepy?

barfing and more

Ugh, I promised myself I wouldn’t write about this again but too bad here it comes. My calcium has been high again and therefore I’ve been nauseous. It sucks. I’m starving but I can’t eat anything because I will puke it up. The mere smell of food makes me want to die. Plus I think the universe is conspiring against me – I walked by two dead birds and a puddle of puke this morning. It took all my stubbornness to resist barfing. Yeah I don’t have any willpower but I am incredibly stubborn. AND when I got to work – someone was cooking a ham in the microwave! A freaking ham! What is wrong with you people! It’s 8:30 in the morning and you need an entire ham? I swear if I could have stood getting close to it I would have bashed them over the head with it. Sigh. Tonight I am attending Connie and Dave’s wedding and I apologize in advance if I throw up in the middle of the ceremony. I shall endeavour not to, though you have now been forewarned.

Anyhoo there is some good news in here. Jeremy got a new job! Two days after the interview he was offered a job. A real big boy job! How growned up! Goodbye Starbucks! I will miss getting a discount there though, that was quite a little bonus. I won’t say where he will be working, as in this day and age the last thing you want to post about is your job, well in any detail anyway, but I will say I can see the tower from my work's fabulous view and I think it’s quite romantic that I can. Cute! So congratulations baby. Oh and I’m sorry honey that you had to share your exciting news with a barfy entry but that’s life.

pseudo-sislebrity

Last night I was watching the news and who should I see but pseudo sister in-law Hayley, broken and bloody. It was so exciting! No I have not transmogrified into some cruel and unfeeling beast – they were doing a story on her new commercial. So controversial…how chic! You can watch the ads here, but be warned, they are bloody. Of course I believe they will be doing transit ads and billboards so there will be no escape.

Jeremy was horrified when he saw his little sister go through that glass case. He flinched away from the computer. I really worry how he’ll handle it when she has her first love scene (I mean sex but i'm trying to spare his nerves). He’ll probably have a heart attack. He is very ‘big brotherly’ protective and such. Meanwhile if I go out with a low cut top on he looks proud, like he had something to do with these beauties. Sigh.

glam jer

This weekend I pulled a typical bitchy girlfriend thing. Well I felt guilty afterwards anyway. I told Jeremy – “you are NOT wearing that out in public with me”. This jacket was originally used as a Halloween costume, I believe for Ozzy Osbourne. It is very 80’s, cropped and quite snug.. As you can see. Here we have the pouting ‘but I yike it’ look and the ‘see how sexy I am’ with underwear showing. He kept thinking I was joking and trying to leave the apartment. Um, no. I’m serious babe. But I felt bad later, not too bad though, because if he really wanted to wear it nothing in the universe would have stopped him. Besides, as the Sherman’s Lagoon below clearly illustrates, it is the girlfriend’s duty to dictate fashion choices. I never thought I’d be one of those girlfriends though, because Jeremy is generally a well dressed guy and I am somewhat sloppy. I guess every guy has that certain article of clothing that he insists upon wearing, against all logic and good taste. His just happens to be a glam rockers dream coat. Y’know he does love the way he looks in eyeliner….